The 28th Journal -On this journey of vulnerability
Notes from my journal!
Since October 2020, I have kept a journal and documented the stories of my daily thoughts, frustrations, inner yearnings, aspirations, inside mental jokes and something more. However, in December, I began to write about the Myth around Purpose and the handy frustration that comes with chasing ‘It’. I had a discussion with Praise and we decided to curate a small bulletin-like document i can share as a gift to my friends and family on my birthday. — But I changed my mind and I’ve decided to share a glimpse of my personal journal with you, as I turn a year older tomorrow (19th February).
Kindly note that the words below were directly lifted from my diary, with very few edits, quite unscripted and few explanations. This also not a call for pity party and a drive to start chasing my shadow like there’s a problem somewhere. T for Tenks!
This is dedicated to all the nights i sat alone in my small dark apartment in Yaba, thinking about the options of either doing pills or shredding off my veins with one of those rusty knives in my kitchen. The closest I’ve been to this state was when i had a nasty experience with a Boss who i allowed ruin my self-esteem, talk my head down, so much that i craved death like a hot meal. There was nothing as intriguing as writing suicidal notes with a black pen on a yellow sticky note — After every sheet, I’d cry for over 2hours, totally drenched in the thoughts of my aging parent, mentors, my siblings, nephews and nieces, budding community, close friends and thousands of people who believe in the ‘Jeddy’ story.
I’d wake up as early as 6am (that is if I sleep at all), get on my desk and craft out a to-do list of almost 50 items to be done in a SINGLE day. Have you ever been chased by a Dog? — Yeah, this is exactly how the days feels like sometime. A gushing race against time and the desire to quickly tick several boxes, as if there’s a ticking bomb waiting to explode. I’d get on my desk at about 6am and once I check my time again, it’s 7pm already- All thanks to working from home and being alone. No food, no calls, no visits — I’d read up, surf up, sleep like a drunkard, then jack up at the middle of the night like someone who had a nightmare that became a reality.
Yet, in the middle of all of these darkness, I’d write encouraging posts, lift a spirit, share a bright smile, take amazing pictures and once I’m done, I’d crawl back to my dark hole of total mess and unsullied pain. I was devouring books like an animal feasting on her prey — I became addicted to books above Eternity, Self-Assassination, Suicide, Life after Death, the Dark World, Unravelling God, Humanity & Cruelty, Religion and the life after and read a a lot about Jesus. In this season, i practically read all of Paul’s Epistles, critiqued them and wrote rejoinders as if i was on my way to see the Barrister for an argument
Guys, this is not even fiction! — This is me!
Sometime in November
Just after my book release in November, i had made enough money in Seven Figures from the book sales and i had serious plans of spoiling the young Man who designed all the creatives for the Book and coincidentally, i sold my Toyota Matrix, with the beautiful intention of buying a Lexus E350 or even something better. Then, the call came that Tuesday afternoon.
The call that took my entire life to the cliff of my deepest fear, the call that made me cringe at the rot in the Nigerian system- Two Surgeries, Over 6Million Naira and about 18 Days Sleeping in the cold compound of Lagos State University Teaching Hospital. The whole drama that started off with mild dizziness spiraled into operating the heart, being on life support and being whopped in the ass like a baby. I remember telling my friends, Sam and BOM, how I felt like God took to the tip of a very high mountain and asked, ‘Isn’t this what you are so scared about?’
It takes extra grace to die a natural death in Nigeria
In November 2020, I lost hope in the Nigeria Story and Idea- I don’t ever think I can be convinced otherwise. I am not sure why I believed so much in a system that an ordinary malaria can ruin your entire wealth system and a mere headache can make a family an accidental customer of a casket seller. I had buried a brother in August 2019 and this experience made me feel the insensitivity in the idea of consoling people with ‘God gives and he takes away’. It takes extra grace to die a natural death in Nigeria.
Everything kills in this country — I am honestly not interested in the dearth of the system but my experience at LASUTH has left an indelible mark in my head and has left me in a space where I need to daily overcome the wars in my head. I counted 37 Dead Bodies all through my stay at LASUTH and this ruined a lot of things for me. Maybe it then spurred a redefinition of life and I realized how much we need to someway prepare for death, while we live.
I remember stumbling on a friend at the clinic and I told her to brace up. I prayed the prayers of the sorrowful, I cried the tears of those who mourn. The only thing I didn’t loose was my faith — that trust that God remains God regardless of the situation. I remember the night I called BOM, and as I was about giving him an update about the situation on ground, I started wailing like a baby. I knew i held to ONE scripture- David must have experienced toothache, with the way I quoted, prayed, sang and said that scripture —
‘The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.’ — Psalm 118:14.
This experience left with me questions about Life and Death, about God and answered prayers, about Mercy and Grace, about Wealth and life, about Nigeria and how much we undermine the mess we are in. I literally saw reasons why people aren’t ashamed to go around Social Media asking for help, how Go-fund me accounts are opened, i witnessed the hopelessness of the rich, the dashed hope of the poor — I saw the hopelessness with which people walk away from their dead family, even in avoidable situations. But in our words, No one can question God!
The beauty and the beast of 2020
2020 was supposed to be that beautiful year where I should have supposedly ticked boxes and I did. It was beautiful and ‘beast-ful’. It was the year a relationship I had invested so much into ended (a large portion of my adult year) and I needed to act as the villain in a story I was a part of. I’ve always heard of stories of how people go through horrors after a relationship that didn’t work but for me, it was a case of staying silent in the midst of averments, beautifully crafted one-sided stories and the deliberate effort to drive a certain narrative. Sam and BOM literally boxed me up in a room one night and forced me to talk.
I had thought Time would always be a good story-teller but I am learning to allow myself breathe and tell my story to those who matter. Make I no lie, Heartbreak fit kill person. Especially when you are so hard on yourself like I am — I had nights of wrestling with myself, reassuring myself of how great I am, nights of deciding NEVER to try this love thing, nights when I had internal trust issues, times when all my good deeds flashed over my face like a horror movie, dark nights of loneliness, when you just want to agree with the wagging tongues, nights when the full symptoms of impostor syndrome comes as a full cloud over my entire soul.- These are the nights I struggled with the most. (and I still do sometimes).
I had a measure of peace when I stumbled on this quote ‘The work of love is an ever-evolving, ever-growing, ever-changing act. Eventually, love does win. It might look as though it won’t. It might be tested. It might wither, but it will not die. Because, the force of love is stronger than hate. Even if it means we need to walk through the darkness in order to understand what the light looks like.”
Fake it up
Some of these nights crafted in my spirit that energy for pretense- That guy who is always there for people, rocking the party, cracking the jokes and making everyone feel good. Yet, I’ll wake up as early as 6am, take a stroll to Alagomeji and reminiscence on all the terrible feedback I’ve received all my life. I am not talking about something in the past, I did this three weeks ago. I know how we brandish words in our generation about depression, mental health bla bla bla. I used to be one of those who felt like we are being too extra with these languages and we may just be over-democratizing them, and that it isn’t as bad as we’ve been painting it. I agree that I was foolish in the past! Depression crawls through the skin and you find yourself crying in the middle of accolades and celebrations- Not the tears of joy you are used to.
I am grateful for Maverick Music, Dunsin Oyekan, Judikay, Hill Song, Victoria Orenze. I felt God’s arm around me in the middle of everything — his presence was more evident. I was running, yet he was in the middle of my needless struggles. He literally held my head and heart together, even whilst i pictured how my burial would look like as a young promising guys, he gave me reasons to see beyond how I felt and what I was feeling. He didn’t allow me make effort about realizing the power of his stable, steady and sturdy love for me. He wasn’t consoling me but he created a party of joy within my spirit- right in my dark room, I’d burst in tongues, bask in his love and sing the songs of lover in tears.
One thing I am sure of, NOTHING can separate me from God’s love.
The 29th
We are all humans, and, on this journey, there are no manuals, but after a recent conversation with a dear friend of mine- I’ve decided to approach my 29th year with a different perspective — An approach of gratitude. A renewed sense of gratitude for my beautiful family, amazing friends (My God!!!), great community, beautiful career, sweet personality, lovable humanity and great journey. Just because we are wired to look forward to the future, we are eager to look ahead and not look within, to see how beautiful things are with us. ‘Things no bad as we dey see am’. I checked the gratitude journal I’ve kept since October 2020 and I realized how much I’ve overlooked all things I’ve ben grateful for in the past.
Secondly, I’m marching on with a reassurance that I’m in the middle of what God has called me into and everything (the Mess, the Break Up and the Break Down) are all a part of the journey. On this journey, I am not too fast, not too slow, not too big, not too small. — I am exactly in the middle of the fulfilment of my destiny. I am allowing myself to Love dearly and be loved in return, I am listening to the greatness that beckons and the destiny that keeps calling.
Thirdly, I am rekindling my goal to CHILL — no be every time suit and tie, book and speeches. I’ll keep my hair and pull a dreadlock soon, I’ll tint my hair with a great Colour, I’ll wear more jeans, hang out with more friends and live this one life to the fullest. I am carrying the memory, not the pain.
This is a promise to me. A promise to vulnerability. A promise to God — the keeper and lifter of my head. (He literally lifted my head from Darkness)
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“Happiness really is like a timid animal. And once you stop chasing it, you might just find that it appears naturally of its own accord.”
Yikes, I’ll be 30 Next Year!
Grace and Peace!
Solomon O. Ayodele — Human | Crusader