Another Sunday without Susan.
There’s a little silent part of me that feels like I’ve documented these thoughts before. There are nights I wake up in utter denial, as if I wasn’t the one the Doctor told you had passed. The damning reality of not seeing you again, the lacuna your departure brought, the tingling pain, the joy of your memories, the struggle to accept sometimes and the thoughts of ‘What’s up with this my Woman?’
In the first few days of your demise, I harbored so much pain and anger towards the Nigerian Health Sector and some individuals who played very important roles, leading up to your last days. I really wanted to fight for you and fight them with the rest of the energy that i could mutter. I knew how you hated injustice — not even an underserving one to you. It’s been a struggle to embrace the line in between staying to see us bloom better or taking a walk away from this mess.
As God began to help my heart, I began to grieve properly and truthfully, it was an outsourced one. I took on Dad’s pain and the imagination of loosing his wife of 37years, I took on my Sibling’s pains and the anguish in their voice whilst I broke the news to them, I took on your Big Sister’s unimaginable pains, I took on your Joy’s pain and how you started bonding few months before you passed, the pains of Mrs. Akinola and Mrs. Kolade — these good people who stood beside you my dearest darling until you drew her last breathe. I know how i feel but I have always imagined how they feel.
I am currently typing this around 12:41am on the 14th of April, 2023 in my living room in Yaba — I’ve been awake with flashes of the experience of your last days and the imagination of what’s been up with you. I deeply care about you so much, I really want to know what you are wearing in Heaven and how you are fairing. Where do you stay there? How has it been not seeing your Men these One hundred and seventy eight days? I am really curious to know How you’ve been dancing to the Music, writing songs, basking in the perfection of heaven. There are few active Heaven-conscious believers like you- you looked forward to it and you kept talking that place. How is Heaven, Momma?
See Mummy, I avoided this year’s Mother’s day. I wasn’t in the mood for all of those Post-Humus stories and the consoling reality of your memories. It was stinging to see your pictures but not being able to hear your voice — your voice my darling — that heavenly, strong and unmatchable presence your voice commands. The strength of your mind, your ideas and thoughts. The passion that fueled your drive, the love that stirred all your actions, the depth of your love for God and our plennnttttyyyyyyyy ‘Mother-Son’ fights. Guess what, I still mistakenly dial your number, especially when I want to report your husband about how he gave out the cash I gave to him during the Cash crunch in Nigeria. LOL.
I know God is taking care of you but I miss you my dearest love. My Twin sister and flawless Angel. My strong woman and Shinning light. The pristine voice of truth and sweet beauty. The vacuum is deeply unimaginable and I’m learning to live past the ‘What IFs’. I know you lived well, but not long enough to physically cheer me on, tease me, fight me and be here like you’ve been for the world.
I can give up all I have and I am to hear your voice ONE more time, to feel your warm hug, that joy you exude and your contagious energy. This is a ‘one day at a time’ journey and the helplessness is palpable without God. There are days that feels like I’m getting over it, alas, it’s all a joke. How do I get over this ONCE IN A LIFE TIME piece of wonder. My own Momma 🥰.
Heaven must really be a cool place. I’m sure you’ve seen the Paul you spoke about, David and his Psalms, Father Abraham and the Home you’ve lived true to see. The streets full of Gold, the musings and Melodies, the instruments and coordination. I’m sure you are enjoying Heaven — It’s boring on this side without you and we’ve shouldered on the memories with our eyes fixed on Jesus.
This sounds like some tribute but it’s 6 Whole Months of not seeing you, touching you, hearing your voice — just memories. Mummy, I forgive Nigeria daily and it’s a choice I know you’ll want me to make. It’s been tough, especially when I dial your number or look for your contact on my WhatsApp list.
Wheeewww! This is what 6-Months looks like… without you! Thank you for the 30Years of loving me like yourself.
I really hope you can read this.
With Love,
Your Solly ❤️